my discovery

Today Sarah and I picked up my parents from the airport and then went to MEC. Amazingly enough they gave me a refund for my hiking boots I bought last year. They didn't fit after my feet lengthened post-pregnancy. I got a purse, some shoes, a dark chocolate bar and some organic cotton ankle height socks.
So both of these days have brought me no nap, so wow...but I'm trucking along.
This past week Andy and I have had some good conversations and I made some 'discoveries' or had some revelations I guess you could call them. It started before our conversations with something I thought of last week. For a long time...since Sarah's birth, I guess, I've been waiting for my energy to come back and I've not felt quite myself. But through this experience (being a parent, a mom) and talking to other parents/moms, I've come to the conclusion that being a parent of young kids often means being tired all the time. There are various degrees of tiredness which you operate out of. I decided that instead of waiting for my energy to come back, I want to enjoy where I am at NOW, no matter how I feel. If I am always living in the future I may miss out on what is offered at this moment.
Then, this week, it went a step deeper. I can see how I've been struggling, for some time, with not being satisfied. I'm always thinking about what I could do if I had more energy. But, my main privilege and role in life right now is being Sarah's Mom. That is what I can do right now. So, I've found the last handful of days a greater joy in just being her Mom, even if that means no ballet classes or gym membership and continuous diapers and dishes. Because coupled with this is moments of laughter, Sarah initiated games, witnessing many firsts and being able to provide nourishment (physical-thank you God for provision, emotional, and one day spiritual) and the list goes on. So, I am *very* thankful for this revelation. Even when I'm 'zonked' I have found that I am not thinking, "I can't believe she isn't sleeping or eating or whatever, she's supposed to be doing,' and feeling like it's a bother when things don't go as I expect. I am thinking, 'this is what mothering is all about...being there, rolling with the punches. This is the territory. I'm in it...keep mothering, push through by God's strengthening and love with the love he gives you.' And if my energy does 'come back,' yeah. If no, I'll enjoy the pretty good stretches I've been experiencing lately. As for feeling like I did physically pre-child, that may come when my kids are graduated from high school? But, I'm not thinking or focusing on that now, am I? :)
My Mom gave me a shirt a while back that says 'Satisfied' on the front. On the back is printed Philippians 4:12b-13 "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." I used to say this is my 'challenging shirt.' I rejoice that, at this time, it seems to describe the wearer more fully. Thank you God.
Well, that's all for tonight. Let me know, if you are a parent, if you've had a similar 'revelation.' I feel like it's a pretty simple thing to learn, but it's an awesome discovery for me and I have a suspicion I'm not the only one who's made the discovery.
So thankful. Goodnight.